Learn to speak like a Motor Trader...

Buying a used car can be a stressful experience for many people. However, help is at hand!

Take our crash course in how to speak like a motor trader so you can tell the difference between what they say and what they really mean…

'The car is currently being prepared for sale'


The car arrived to us like a dustbin on wheels. The valeter isn’t talking to me anymore because he’s put his back out after spending the last three days on his hands and knees scraping year old lollipop’s off the carpets. Don’t worry though, we’ve shoved an entire packet of Magic Tree’s into the boot to get rid of the smell of wet dogs.

'This would make and ideal second car'


It better not be your only car as it won’t manage more than a trip to Tesco’s once a week before parts start to drop off from the engine.

'This model is the most reliable. Less to go wrong you see'


The specification of this car is so sparse that the inclusion of winding windows should be considered a plus. There are rickshaws being used as minicab’s in Bangkok that have better appointed interiors than this vehicle. You’d also better shin up into your loft to dig out your old Now albums as it’s only got a tape player.

'These cars are full of character'


This car is horrid. However, I am going to attempt to blind you to your better judgement by constantly reminding you that it is a classic. Sure, the doors don’t meet with the bodywork when they shut and the car is filled with poisonous exhaust gasses every time you pull up to a halt, but think how cool all your friends will think you are…

'The car has just undergone a comprehensive inspection and major service'


We've checked all the light bulbs work and topped the oil up with some of that lawnmower stuff I bought from Barry the Finger down the pub.

'Re-advertised due to time waster'


Annoyingly, the guy I sold the car to noticed that the sills were now made of newspaper and that I’d filled the gearbox with children's play sand to try to hide that rattling noise. Oh well, better luck next time!

For slightly more constructive advice about buying a used car,

check out our full guide here >>>

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